Twenty Years Later And It’s All Been Very Worthwhile!

I remember my husband Greg’s words as we sat at our kitchen table, ‘I guess if we’re serious, we should sell our house.’  Just then the doorbell rang.  To our surprise it was our realtor friend.  Her timing seemed divine.  ‘Moving to Uganda?  Really?’  She could hardly believe what she was hearing.

The idea was germinated in 1991 when Gary and Marilyn Skinner, missionary Pastors to Uganda, and their family, attended our church during their one year sabbatical.  Their children spent many nights babysitting our two daughters, Brittany (2) and Jenessa (1).  I never tired of hearing their stories of Uganda.  One day the idea took root ‘maybe we should go to Uganda to help.’

Within a week, Gary and Marilyn were at our home for dinner.  Gary nearly fell off his chair when we shared our thoughts.  Just that week he had finally given up a five year wrestling match with God to get into the ‘social work’  business in Uganda.  ‘Alright, I’ll do it’, he conceded, ‘but I’ll need a little help’.

To some, it seemed a reckless step for two young urban professionals to sell their possessions, resign from their six figure income careers and let the nanny go, in pursuit of starting a program to care for orphans in a developing country.  But for us it was the right thing to do.

So off we went to Africa.

What an amazing, difficult, life-changing year of adventure!  Ideas were conceptualized and tested.  Maize was delivered and boiled.  14 construction workers were squeezed into our 4×4 Isuzu Trooper on a daily basis.  A hippo peed on our tent while we camped at Lake Baringo one weekend.  Greg was arrested, at least ten times.  We had electricity.  We didn’t have electricity.  Our home was robbed, all cameras and shoes stolen, while we slept.  We learned to barter for groceries at local markets.  We laughed and we cried.  We visited villages.  We attended celebrations carrying goats and peppers to the party.  And thankfully when the neighbors around us were getting sick with Malaria, we weren’t.  In the end, the program was registered with the government, three homes were constructed and 150 children found families to call their own. 

It’s now twenty years later.  Through an interesting course of events, we’re going to Africa, next week!  This time, together with a team of 10 others, we plan to introduce a program of healing, forgiveness and reconciliation to pastors and leaders in Rwanda.  They in turn will use what they can to help their parishioners continue to recover from the devastating trauma’s of the 1994 genocide.

Following Rwanda, Greg and I have the wonderful privilege of returning to Uganda.  How exciting!  It’s been twenty years.  The program we were so blessed to help initiate rebranded in 1994 and has since morphed (yes, there is no other way to describe it) into the tremendously effective wholistic care organization known as Watoto.  www.watoto.com

A Toronto journalist that visited us in Uganda recorded these thoughts in her article twenty years ago ‘With so much death and dying the problems could be overwhelming’, Skinner and Olson agree, ‘But if we can care for 10 children, 20 children, 100 children or 1000 , it’s all been very worthwhile.’  And indeed it has!

Top Photo: Elaine, Jenessa, Brittany, Namuli (First orphan in the program, now serving at Watoto) and Greg, 1992.

Right Photo: Local Ugandan volunteers help dig the foundation for the first home, 1992.

Left Photo: Gary, Marilyn and Tim Skinner in front of their home on our last day in Uganda, 1993.

What’s In Your Pop Can?

I recently learned that a client was coping so much better with the pressures happening in her life, so of course I asked ‘What is helping you to cope?’  She replied ‘I’ve gained an ability to recognize triggers, I have a strategy to evaluate my thoughts before they affect my behaviour and my faith is helping me to set up boundaries to resist the feelings that I’m going to collapse whenever something unexpected happens.’

Wow!  For someone whose external troubles have not diminished since the day we met, her new-found internal fortitude is helping her to stay strong until life changes!   I was so proud of her (and I had to write down what she just said!)

Her words reminded me of one of my favorite illustrations.  The illustration of the pop can.

When a pop can is empty, it’s easy to crush.  Anyone can do it.  And as the external pressure increases, the can will begin to take on the shape of the forces that are being exerted against it.  On the other hand, when the pop can is full, the pressure that comes from the surrounding environment cannot easily crush or destroy the can.  The pressure from the inside resists the pressure from the outside.  It remains recognizably true to it’s original shape and design, although it might sport a few dents that indicate it endured some pressure.

This illustration is a lot like life.  When we’re empty of vision, strategies and faith we can be easily crushed, often taking on the negative characteristics of the environment our life exists in.  But when we’re full, the pressure of life still comes and yet it is fruitless to change us in any significant way.  Our internal strength withstands the challenges occurring without.

The famous Greek philosopher Socrates once strongly stated ‘the unexamined life is not worth living.’  Although his words may seem a little harsh, I agree.  Taking time for personal examination can make life more meaningful.   It provides opportunity to clearly see what’s inside, make changes where necessary and strengthen potentially weak areas.  Taking inventory of the contents of our life allows us to replenish depleted areas before the challenges of life take their toll.

Most days I see the tragic effects of a life not examined.  I’m usually very quick to say ‘you’re not crushed yet!’  The truth is, it’s never too late to start!  So…..if today were examination day, ask yourself very sincerely  ‘what’s in my pop can?’

Something Seriously Wrong With Weddings

It’s that time of year when numerous starry-eyed pre-marital couples make their way to my office to complete their obligatory counselling sessions, in hopes of obtaining the ‘thumbs up’ toward a blissfully-long, happily-ever-after life together.  While I do listen intently about the exciting wedding plans, it doesn’t take long for couples to realize I’m not that crazy about their wedding.  (What I really care about is their marriage!)  As a matter of fact, I think there is something seriously wrong with how weddings are marketed in our modern culture.   My philosophy of weddings and what they are about  goes something like this.

Weddings should be enjoyed, not just endured.  Yup.  While I do anticipate some stress and the need to invest a tremendous amount of energy and detail (and no doubt, cash)  into my three daughters’ weddings some day, when it comes right down it it, I hope the experience is fun and the event is relaxed enough for everyone to have plenty of laughs and good times to be had by all (including myself)!

Weddings are about blending families and not just a bride and groom (it’s not all about you!).  Make it about family.  Make it about getting to know each other better and make it about accommodating each others needs as much as possible.  After all, since the rest of the marriage is going to be about knowing and accommodating, you might as well practice with the wedding!

Wedding vows are serious.  Vows are not sentiments of love, romantic words or inspirational thoughts.  Vows are sacred oaths; to solemnly swear, pledging to keep promises made, forever.  Vows are made from the heart in the presence of God and witnesses hopefully sincere enough to keep the couple accountable to them.  They start with ‘I promise’ and end at the time of death, with every day in between presenting a serious opportunity to make them a tangible reality.  Even if it means swearing to your own hurt.  Seriously.

The wedding party is a celebration of a couples commitment to each other.  It’s a great time of honoring and blessing new love, hope and purpose.  Please, please, please…..do not dredge up embarrassing stories of past love, mistakes made or secrets the newly-weds should know about the other.  The wedding is not the time or place for that.  Celebrate, honor, bless.  That’s the rule.

The wedding guests are guests.  They should act like guests and be treated like guests.  Mutual feelings of respect, love and appreciation will be remembered much longer than the table centerpieces or take home favors.  (As a matter of fact, forget the favors and give the money that would have been spent to a charity).

Weddings are about a marriage, not just a day.  I always ask my pre-marital couples to estimate the number of hours they have spent in preparation for their wedding.  For most, the number is somewhere around 200-300!!  Then I charge them……yes, I impose a duty upon them, to invest that same number of hours into their marriage prior to  the celebration of their second anniversary.  This is not time working out or at the movies together.  This is time spent reading books about marriage, attending marriage conferences or workshops, or talking about ways to make their love stronger.   It’s amazing what a task (and expense) that seems to present, and yet…..

The wedding can be big, small, in a church, in a park, at a hotel, in the morning, at noon or night.  The size, place or time really doesn’t matter.  What matters is all the above!

Finally, if at some point in the wedding planning, you realize you’ve made a mistake, that something just isn’t right and you seriously question the whole thing, don’t just keep pressing on though the ‘thumbs’ are down.  Be brave enough to talk it through with someone you trust and if necessary……. call off the wedding!  Believe me, it’s much easier to call off a wedding than to call off a marriage.

The Power of Imbabazi

It seems impossible that a woman, who had been repeatedly raped and left for dead, could ever rebuild her life in the same community as her perpetrators.  And how could her perpetrators live in peace, being reminded every day they see her, of the atrocities they committed against her? How could her child conceived from this crime face his neighbour, should he learn of the circumstances surrounding his conception?

In an attempt to rebuild life after the appalling horrors of the 1994 genocide, Rwandan’s on all sides of the injustices are realizing they need the power of imbabazi in order to heal.  Imbabazi (pronounced im-bah-bah-zee) means forgiveness.

English writer and journalist, G.K. Chesterton said this of our western view of forgiveness. ‘The Christian ideal of forgiveness has not been tried and found wanting. It has been found difficult and left untried.’   For sure, anyone who has ever been offended finds the concept of forgiveness a challenge to embrace. Yet, in Rwanda, the healing property of imbabazi is proving to be a therapeutic intervention capable of overcoming the deepest of emotional and relational wounds.  As Meg Guillebaud explains in her book ‘After the Locusts’, Rwanda is experiencing how costly forgiveness is restoring their lives.

The truth is forgiveness is not cheap. It is painful and it has agonizing conditions including strict restraints around what it is and is not.

Forgiveness is not……

• Saying it doesn’t matter. What happened matters. It was devastating and life changing. Forgiveness never minimizes what happened.
• Pretending it doesn’t hurt. Repressing pain is not a healing strategy. Forgiveness cultivates the hope of emotional and relational freedom even while experiencing pain.
• Something to be commanded. It is not a moral obligation. We choose to forgive out of gratitude for the times we have been forgiven.
• Forgive and forget. We will never forget our personal history, but when we forgive, the perspective of our history changes.
• Excusing others. Forgiveness does not absolve moral responsibility or consequences. Wrong is always wrong even if you’re forgiven.
• Automatic reconciliation. Forgiving someone does not mean that person has access into your life again. Trust and safety might need to be restored, which takes time.

Forgiveness is……

• Refusing to take revenge. When we forgive, we cut the emotional ties that want the other to ‘get what they deserve’ confident that vengeance rests in the hands of God.
• A daily act of the will and not the emotion. We rarely feel like forgiving. It takes tremendous courage to make the decision to keep no record of wrong.
• Facing reality. Denial or glossing over the truth will never result in forgiveness. It takes the acceptance of reality to truly forgive what has happened.
• Accepting ourselves. Self-blame can cause us to feel that somehow we deserved what happened to us. Self-acceptance plays a role in true forgiveness.
• Recognizing God’s love and justice. It’s part of human nature to feel hatred and revenge. True forgiveness opens our eyes to love and justice beyond normal comprehension.

Rwanda continues to recover from the unspeakable wounds of the genocide. By their remarkable example, we could reason that, imbabazi, once tried can be found sufficiently capable.

My Name Is Lori and I Hate Exams!

 

“My name is Lori and I hate exams. Most of the time I get so anxious about an exam that I avoid studying. I can’t think about it, I avoid conversations about homework because the thought of tests puts my stomach in knots. The night before my last exam, I tried to make myself study. I opened and closed my books continuously. By 11:00pm, I finally forced myself to keep the books open. I thought I was going to throw up. Finally, at 3:00am I turned off my light. The exam was at 8:30am the next morning. (1)”

 

Besides a family breakdown, young adults name exam stress as the second greatest demand on their physical, and emotional well-being. For months and even years, the importance of exams is imprinted on  their minds, causing stress levels to increase as the exam date approaches. 

 

 In 2005, an Ipsos Reid study ⁽²⁾ reported “when it comes to exams, all students are stressed and many experience a lot of stress.” The study showed that no students were stress free and 47% of students in Ontario experienced very high levels of stress. The respondents to the study cited these three main reasons for the high levels of stress. Too many exams to study for. Pressure to do well. Balancing study with other responsibilities. 

 

This may come as a shock to many students (my daughters included), but stress does not have to consume your life!  Coping with the stress of exams starts with recognizing the symptoms. If you’ve lost your motivation, energy or concentration, if you feel panicked, worried or guilty, consider these tips to keep stress at a minimum during these final weeks of your school term.

 

 Simply Say ‘No’.  You can say ‘no’ to watching a movie with your friend, the party next Saturday night, or any other distraction that eats away your study time.  ‘No’ is as valid an answer as ‘yes’. If you clearly define your boundaries your stress about the exam will decrease as your confidence to write it increases.

 

 Stay Healthy.  Studying often requires long days at the library where there is no fresh air, few food choices and a whole lot of sitting around.  Take snacks of fresh foods and vegetables to fuel your brain, take a 15 minute breath of fresh air every couple hours. Consider limiting your caffeine consumption as it increases heart rate which can increase anxiety about exams and disturb your sleeping patterns.

 

 Avoid Stressed-Out People.  Resist the urge to study with ‘drama queens or super-intense’ friends.  Whether you realize it or not, stress can be contagious and you likely don’t need their stress contributing to your own. 

 

 Make A Plan and Stick to It. For most universities, there is roughly two more weeks of classes then exams start.  Why not take the time now to develop an exam calendar.  Schedule study periods, rest periods and free time.  Making a plan helps to organize your thoughts and days, and helps to alleviate last minute juggling of priorities which contributes to stress.  

 

 Finally……Think Good Thoughts About Yourself.  Think about passing, not failing.  See yourself knowing the answers and completing the test with confidence.  Obviously you had the intelligence to get into university in the first place, with hard work and right focus you can make it through the exams!

 

(1) Case information printed with permission.  Name has been changed fro privacy purposes.  

(2) Canadian University Students On Study Habits And Exam-Related Stress, Ipsos Reid, April 2005.

Helping Children Grieve

The Michael Rafferty murder trial taking place a few kilometers from my home has captured the heart of our city, province and nation.  As I watch the news, a lump forms in my throat at the sight of Tory Stafford’s father.  Gosh.  To sit in the same court room with the man who allegedly murdered and sexually assaulted his 8 year old daughter and hearing once again the gruesome details of her final hours of life; I commend his strength.  For Tory’s mother to reopen the brutal wounds of grief, in full view of an entire nation, I doubt I could be so brave.  Certainly the strength and bravery needed as adults to face this impossibly senseless situation is incredible, but what of the children involved?  How can Tory’s brother Daryn, her former classmates and ‘kids that lived down the street’ process this frightening violation of innocence.  How do your children interpret the news they are seeing on TV?

A child’s ability to deal with a traumatic situation depends largely on the reactions of the adults in their life.  As a child observes their parents, grandparents or teachers, they are highly sensitive to these influential adults reactions, often expressing their feelings in the same way the adult expressed.  Worry, anxiety, hostility and tearfulness may be learned responses in a child unsure of how to interpret the trauma.

It’s helpful for adults to talk with the children in their life about their concerns, balancing it with explanations of how all involved can get through this together.  Children should be invited to process what they are seeing, hearing and feeling, in an atmosphere of comfort and acceptance.  When adults gently respond to fears, clarifying concerns, children experience relief from any misinterpretations they have made.

In his article ‘Children and Trauma’, John Levington of International Counselling Ministries made these suggestions for helping children deal with crisis.

• Debrief children after a crisis to let them tell their story and to reveal any wrong assumptions, fears, or personal blaming they may be experiencing. After listening, help reframe the crisis for children without implying judgment.
• Help children learn to use words that express their feelings, such as sad, scared, angry, or happy. Remember you as an adult may have also been affected by this event so be sure the words fit the children’s feelings and not yours.
• Re-establish a sense of order and routine. A regular schedule helps recreate a sense of security for children.
• Plan and carry out activities that will calm the children. Encourage young children to use art (drawing, painting, clay modeling, and collage) to express their emotions.
• Reassure children that the event is being dealt with appropriately—people getting medical attention, police responding to the criminals, buildings being cleaned up or repaired, and support being offered to those affected by the trauma.
• Read stories about crisis situations and how God provided for those involved.
• Help children care for those affected by the crisis through writing letters, sending pictures, baking food, or otherwise helping in a way that fits with their abilities. Actively doing something to help others refocuses children’s thoughts or emotions in healthy ways without minimizing them.
• Lengthening story telling or cuddling at bedtime may be necessary the first few nights after a trauma.
• Remind children that they have support of people throughout the world. Share letters or newspaper articles from others who are empathizing with them and praying for them. This will reassure them that others care about them, making them feel less alone and vulnerable.
• Together discuss ways God evidenced care in this trauma and thank Him for his provision.
• Pray with the children regarding their fears. Help them with memorization of Bible verses regarding fear.
• Help children work through their normal questions regarding why God didn’t protect them from this trauma. Use this difficult situation to teach about God’s sovereignty, man’s free will, and the work of evil in the world.

Farewell Forties

Recently I’ve been grappling with the fact that by tomorrow I will have completed my 50th trip around the sun!  I can just hear the ‘Turning 50 Jokes’ now.

‘You know you’re a 50 year old woman when….

• You purchase your moisturizer by the case instead of by the jar.
• Your once fabulous behind now looks more like a set of mud flaps.
• Your hot flashes have saved you money on your heating bill.
• You finally understand that being over the hill beats being planted under it. (1)

Sad.

For some of you, this milestone has come and gone and you’d encourage me that ‘there’s plenty of living left to do’, ’50 is fabulous’ or ’50 is the new 40′.   Or even as my sister-in-law insisted yesterday ‘You should be proud of yourself.   You look great, you have a wonderful family and you’ve done so much in your life.’  Yes, I truly am very thankful, but even those thoughts aren’t helping me to embrace the BIG 5-0 !

Turning 30 was a breeze, and the 40′s were packed with incredible moments and tremendous memories!  Why should 50 so difficult?

Honestly……I really don’t have any regrets.  My presiding principle in life has been to align my choices with my personal values, which is the same advice I’d give anyone.  So that’s not the issue.  And I don’t feel like I’ve bloomed too late.  I am right where I need to be.  As a matter of fact, I feel quite centered.  Hey…..maybe there’s the answer.  Rather than adopting an ‘I’m old’ attitude, I could focus on being right in the middle of the middle!

These days, modern middle-age is considered to start around 35 and end around 65.  Since our life span has lengthened over the last century, we’re living in the middle longer.  Apparently there’s plenty of benefits to this stage of life!  My research (also known as Googling) indicates that during this time, our middle-aged brain actually performs better than a brain half it’s age.  The logical part of the older brain (inductive reasoning and problem solving) finds solutions faster.  As well, our all-grown-up brain is better at understanding a problem and finding a creative answer, than younger brains.  It analyzes arguments better and strategizes ways to win-win with more efficiency.  And, a Harvard study revealed that financial judgments peak through later middle age.  WOW….to summarize…because we’ve navigated the world longer, we can navigate the world better! (2) YAY!

And since I started writing this blog I have come to think of even more liberating truths that I’ve embraced on the road to the middle.   Like;

• The point of exercise is to be healthy and not to fit into a size 6 dress.
• Words can kill faster than sticks or stones.
• I have experimented with so much hair color that I actually know what looks good on me.
• My family continues to be my greatest investment.
• Respect and care for others is a reflection of how someone feels about them self.
• A smile is the most beautiful accessory.
• I will never be too old to learn.
• The more birthdays you have the longer you live.
• Common sense isn’t very common.
• I’ve lived so long that every new person I meet reminds me of someone I already know.
• Every experience counts.
• God can be trusted.

So as I spend my last few hours on this side of half a century, I have come across one more all important thought, which is likely the secret behind the encouraging words of those who have crossed this milestone ahead of me.  ‘Those who are planted in the house of the Lord …..shall still bear fruit in (middle and old) age; they shall continually be fresh and flourishing.(3)  Now that’s something to celebrate!

(1) http://seniors.lovetoknow.com/Turning_50_Jokes

(2) Thoughts from ‘The Secret Life of the Grown Up Brain’ by Barbara Strauch

(3) Psalm 92:13, 14,  (middle), my literary emphasis.

Woke Up This Morning With A Valentine’s Day Emotional Hangover?

Barely coped through yesterday?  Not looking forward to another year of marital hurt and disappointment?  For many people, annual day-type celebrations like Valentine’s, can be painful reminders of what is missing in their relationship.

During my preparation for a Valentine’s event I presented at last Saturday night, the words from an ancient epistle(1) struck me as me as a treatment plan to help rehydrate marital expectations.  I am confident that if these three simple steps are followed for the next 364 days,  Valentine’s Day 2013 will leave you with greater relational contentment ….. and not just another headache.

Step 1 – Do nothing out of selfish ambition.  NOTHING???  Yes.  No thing, ixna, noughta, nothing.  No undisclosed plan or hidden agenda.  In other words, question your motivation about everything.  Ask yourself before you speak or act.  Why does _________ have to be done like that?  Is it simply because I want it like that?  Is this request manipulative or underhanded?  Or is it actually what’s best for our relationship?  Selfishness repels but selfless acts have magnetic properties, capable of drawing others closer to yourself.

Step 2 – Esteem your partner higher than yourself.  In other words, pretend that the other person is the most important person in the room.

When a VIP comes over for dinner, everyone is on their best behavior. The best china is used, the VIP gets the best seat in the house and all the best ingredients have been used in food preparations.  What would happen in our marriages if we treated each other, everyday, like they ere the most important person in the room?  Perhaps the daily dialogue would go something like this.  ‘Honey,’ he said ‘let me get that for you, you’ve had a hard day.’  ‘No’, she replied, ‘you’ve had a hard day too, I’ll get it for you.’  ‘But Sweety’, he insists ‘you got it for me last time.’  ‘No, I’ll get it.’ ‘No, let me!’  ‘But sincerely, it’s my turn.’  Can you imagine outdoing one another with good works?  Preferring the others needs above your own?  What would our most significant, most invested earthly relationship be like under these circumstances?  Marriage might actually become fun! (a nice change from hurtful and disappointing.)

Step 3 – Be interested in what the other is interested in.  I often have couples complain to me that  ‘we have nothing in common.’  Obviously, it’s easy to be interested in what interests you (there’s a profound statement).  It’s much more difficult to be interested in the interests of others!

My husband has always loved hockey (good Canadian boy that he is).  I often tease that he grew up worshiping at the altar of Hockey Night in Canada.  My family was the polar opposite.  I really cannot remember ever watching a hockey game before I met Greg at 18 years old!  So, I’ve had to cultivate an interest in our national obsession.  Not just force myself to be interested (begrudgingly), but actually give the game enough focus and attention until I was authentically engaged.  Common interests can be acquired and become natural pathways into the heart of the other.  And to be fair, my husband never really appreciated shopping before he met me….. you know where that’s going.

Developing selflessness and esteem for and interest in others,  is a mindset.  It’s a lifestyle choice.  And we have the pure privilege of making choices for our lives everyday!  So…..it’s the day after Valentine’s.  You have one year.  I truly hope next year’s celebrations bring happiness, contentment and new level of intimacy you’ve never experienced before.  I think it’s possible.

(1) Biblical Reference Philippians 2:3,4

It’s Time To Let Go….. :(

I have never really been a big fan of nostalgia.  Perhaps it’s because my vocations as an adult were always filled with international adventures, plenty of good-byes and fresh starts, accompanied by Velcro roots.   But alas, I now find myself in a place my loved ones complained of as I left their embrace.   My youngest daughter is leaving the nest and this uncomfortable, new sense of nostalgia is invading my soul!

It’s not that this is the first daughter to leave home.  Oh, no.  The older two have come and gone and come back again (as I expect my youngest will too).  But somehow this is different.  It seems that this daughter represents the remnants of a time in our lives that has become thread bare.  Her departure tears at the final strings to the wonderful moments of our nuclear family that can never be lived again.  How sobering!   (There’s the bittersweet longing for things of the past.)

Interestingly, I recall my mom had similar sentiments when I left home.   I also remember asking my mom to be happy for me.  ‘Please let me go with your blessing ‘ I pleaded.  Crazy how words come back to haunt us, although I see the merit in them.  There’s a  time for everything.  As a parent, it’s time to let go!

I also have never really been a big fan of Dr. Seuss.   However, since my heart has committed to let my daughter go with my blessing, the silly, imaginings in ‘Oh the Places You’ll Go‘ somehow seem oh-so appropriate and much less nonsensical.  So, cheers to you Mady!  Today is your day!  Your mountain is waiting…..So…get on your way!

Excerpts from  ‘Oh The Places You’ll Go’ by Dr. Seuss

Congratulations!
Today is your day.
You’re off to Great Places!
You’re off and away!

You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself
any direction you choose.

Out there things can happen and frequently do
to people as brainy and footsy as you.

You’ll be on your way up!
You’ll be seeing great sights!
You’ll join the high fliers
who soar to high heights.

Except when you don’t.
Because, sometimes, you won’t.

I’m sorry to say so but, sadly, it’s true
that Bang-ups and Hang-ups
can happen to you.

You can get all hung up
in a prickle-ly perch.
And your gang will fly on.
You’ll be left in a Lurch.

You’ll come down from the Lurch
with an unpleasant bump.
And the chances are, then,
that you’ll be in a Slump.

And when you’re in a Slump,
you’re not in for much fun.
Un-slumping yourself
is not easily done.

And when you’re alone, there’s a very good chance
you’ll meet things that scare you right out of your pants.
There are some, down the road between hither and yon,
that can scare you so much you won’t want to go on.

But on you will go
though the weather be foul.
On you will go
though your enemies prowl.
Onward up many
a frightening creek,
though your arms may get sore
and your sneakers may leak.

On and on you will hike,
And I know you’ll hike far
and face up to your problems
whatever they are.

So be sure when you step.
Step with care and great tact
and remember that Life’s
a Great Balancing Act.
Just never forget to be dexterous and deft.
And never mix up your right foot with your left.

And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed.)

You’re off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So…get on your way!

Why Women Need Each Other

One of my favorite topics to speak on is ‘Why Women Need Each Other’.  I love this topic so much because it reminds me that the friendships of women are important. Time and time again, I’ve come to appreciate that no matter a woman’s age or stage of life, country of residence or family of origin; female stress, our insecurities and the often-very-tumultuous-pressures of our inner world are better navigated in the company of a trusted female friend. 

While researching this point several years ago, I came across an article that adds further credence to my female BFF (you know who you are!!) obsession.   

“Scientists now suspect that hanging out with our friends can actually counteract the kind of stomach-quivering stress most of us experience on a daily basis. A landmark UCLA study suggests that women respond to stress with a cascade of brain chemicals that cause us to make and maintain friendships with other women.  

Researchers suspect that women have a larger behavioral repertoire than just fight or flight; In fact, says Dr. Klein, it seems that when the hormone oxytocin is release as part of the stress responses in a woman, it buffers the fight or flight response and encourages her to tend children and gather with other women instead. When she actually engages in this tending or befriending, studies suggest that more oxytocin is released, which further counters stress and produces a calming effect. This calming response does not occur in men, says Dr. Klein, because testosterone—which men produce in high levels when they’re under stress—seems to reduce the effects of oxytocin. Estrogen, she adds, seems to enhance it.  There’s no doubt, says Dr. Klein, that friends are helping us live longer.

Friends are also helping us live better. The famed Nurses’ Health Study from Harvard Medical School found that the more friends women had, the less likely they were to develop physical impairments as they aged, and the more likely they were to be leading a joyful life. In fact, the results were so significant, the researchers concluded, that not having close friends or confidants was as detrimental to your health as smoking or carrying extra weight.

And that’s not all. When the researchers looked at how well the women functioned after the death of their spouse, they found that even in the face of this biggest stressor of all, those women who had a close friend and confidante were more likely to survive the experience without any new physical impairments or permanent loss of vitality. Those without friends were not always so fortunate. Yet if friends counter the stress that seems to swallow up so much of our life these days, if they keep us healthy and even add years to our life, why is it so hard to find time to be with them?

Every time we get overly busy with work and family, the first thing we do is let go of friendships with other women, explains Dr. Josselson. We push them right to the back burner. That’s really a mistake because women are such a source of strength to each other. We nurture one another. And we need to have unpressured space in which we can do the special kind of talk that women do when they’re with other women. It’s a very healing experience.” (1)

(1) http://www.anapsid.org/cnd/gender/tendfend.html